In a moment of fancy, a post on our local gaming club's email list got me wondering, "What if Obama, Biden, McCain, and Palin were players in an AD&D™ game?" Admittedly, I'm biased toward the Democratic ticket, but hopefully my humorous answer is sufficiently non-partisan to annoy everyone instead of just the Republicans.

If Obama played D&D, he would be a high-level enchanter of chaotic-good alignment. He would run around the dungeon trying to make sure all the low-level monsters got enough to eat by taking food away from the bigger, more powerful creatures. He would try to hang out with the drow elves, but they would reject him because he wasn't hip enough. The high elves would reject him because he was *too* hip. He would keep casting transmutation spells to change the layout of the dungeon corridors."We've got to change the way we change the changes of changing the dungeon map!"

If McCain played D&D, he would be a fighter of lawful-neutral alignment with 17 constitution and battered but serviceable armour. Due to age and senility he would occasionally put on his breastplate backwards. He would not know how many castles he owns. He would want to tear down the peasants' hovels to build more castles for the nobility. In the dungeon, he would stand facing a dead-end corridor for days, urging the party to keep trying to go that direction. "My friends, some people may want to surrender from this tunnel, but back when I was held prisoner by the orcs, I never once thought of surrender."

If Biden played D&D, he would be a neutral-good bard with great performance skill and wide-ranging knowledge, but with only a 13 charisma so that he never really achieved fame and popularity. He would roam far and near, learning all kinds of useful facts about the kingdoms of the world and their treaties and skirmishes. The king should hire him as an advisor, but won't do so because Biden is too boring and because the king is too stupid to listen to sentences with more than five words. He would want every kingdom to live in peace. "I know that if we negotiate with those goblins, we can establish a safe and secure border between our land and theirs."

If Palin played D&D, she would insist on being a paladin but would have trouble doing that because of her chaotic-neutral alignment. She would kick the beggars and orphans out of the way so that everyone had a clear view of how large alms she was bringing to the temple. She would have a 19 charisma and an 8 intelligence, and she would go on a quest to raise enough gold to hire Martha Stewart to redecorate the dungeon. "Boy, I'm telling you, those Cormyr insiders may think messy dungeons are okay, but back in Dagger Falls we have down-home values, and we sure do like our clean dungeons, don't we? You betcha! [wink]"